Fizzle Says: Fair Is Fair

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Do you ever wonder what goes on behind the scenes at the Post Punk Kitchen and inside the home of cookbook author Isa Chandra Moskowitz? Fizzle is here to tell his tale…

Guest Post: Fizzle

Friend: Isa Chandra Moskowitz, The PPK

Your lap is mine.

Hello, my name is Fizzle Moskowitz and I am the author of Vegan with a Vengeance. Yeah, it says Isa Chandra Moskowitz on the cover but my lawyer will tell you who really wrote it. I live with my sister Avocado and a fluffy orange nuisance named Kirby. When I’m not writing cookbooks I’m scratching the couch or sleeping. Sometimes I sit on your lap until you legs go numb. All in a days work!

I guess the thing people most often ask me is “Why did you stop writing cookbooks?” Well, I’ve been pretty quiet about it but I think it’s time to break my silence.

After authoring Vegan With A Vengeance, things with Isa changed. She started playing kitty ball with me less and less, and petting me only half-heartedly. I’d sit on her lap while she droned out at the computer refreshing her Amazon page over and over and over again. Now, neglect is one thing, but what came next pushed me over the edege.

She makes me stuff gift bags for her charity.

The royalties started pouring in, billions of dollars (I think, I can’t count, I’m a cat) but my cat food remained suspiciously the same. Meanwhile, Isa was eating the most expensive imported tofus, handpicked black beans and kales made of gold. I hid my toys under the couch, expecting new and exciting toys. Instead, she found my old toys and tried to act like nothing was wrong, like I should just play with those. She had brand new vegan shoes, why didn’t I have brand new toys??!?!

She keeps me in a box.

And then came the creative differences. The next book had to be special, obvs, and I was working overtime developing concepts. I finally came up with “Vegan Nutritional Yeast And Cantaloupe Take Over The World.” I mean, people, have you tried that? Together? It’s like crack-nip! (As a side note, sometimes I like to knock the nutritional yeast over and roll in it.)

But Isa insisted on cupcakes. Cupcakes! I’m totally serious! So now, instead of a book that people can actually use, there’s a ridiculous book about cupcakes collecting dust in a warehouse somewhere. And I hate the shape, it’s too square!

Get me out of this tire prison!

So, that’s the ugly truth right there. And you should also know that she prances around the house in a faux fur bathrobe and Burger King crown crowing “I am the vegan queen! I am the vegan queen!” Meanwhile, I’m on a leash in the backyard. And every single one of you is culpable.

Get this leash off of me!!!!

Fizz, that was eye-opening! I take back all my years of recipe testing, and I really  hope you negotiated for a percentage of the pie book.  Poor baby!

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27 thoughts on “Fizzle Says: Fair Is Fair

  1. Pingback: Peanut Butter Bombs and Chocolate Truffles « The Crafty Kitty

  2. Dear Fizzle,
    I am terribly sorry to hear of your human’s evil ways. Thank you for understanding the basic rules of spelling and grammar. You can have a cheeze tofu-burger now, if you’d like.
    All the best — Jamie.

  3. How funny, my kitty LOVES nutritional yeast. I have to keep it tightly sealed up and even then she sits in front of the food shelf staring at it.

  4. Pingback: Waffles de limão e milho « Miss Plattenbau

  5. Fizzle, you’re way too adorable to be treated like that – come on over to my house and you’ll have new toys and catnip galore!!!

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