Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Today’s tale is from Maytag, who lives with Tofu Mom, and her late night shopping adventures. Frankly, I think this kitty deserves her own comic series!
Guest Post: Maytag, aka Klepto Kitty
Friend: Marti, aka Tofu Mom, of Vegan Food; More Than Tofu and Sprouts!
Greetings to all the fabulous cat people out there. If you live with a dog, you’re welcome to stop reading now, as they are despicable beasts that I have no tolerance for, (even if my Person insists on letting two of the deranged things live with her. INSIDE the house I might add. )
My name is Maytag and I live on Tofu Mom’s porch. No. I don’t live inside the house. I despise houses. I once lived inside but I spent every spare moment crying my special part-Siamese cry, trying to escape, chewing on screens, clawing at doors, until Tofu Mom, in all her wisdom, let me outside one glorious day and I’ve refused to come in ever since. Tofu Mom and her kittens (well, I guess she calls them children) tried everything to get me back inside but I was quite determined. It all worked out nicely. Now they bring me food and water and I even have a cozy, insulated house here on the porch, why would I ever want to go back inside their house? It’s so.. stuffy and confining.
Besides. I serve a very important purpose out here on the porch!!
You see, I lurk the neighborhood at night and collect gifts for my Tofu Family.
To show them my appreciation for allowing me to live on the porch, of course! I make an effort to bring them something special every morning, arranged artfully on the front steps, or lawn or even the hood of the car if I think they may not notice. I put a lot of time and effort into my gifts!! Lately, however, I’ve become a bit concerned that they don’t appreciate my efforts. I was even locked in the garage for several dreadful weeks, but that stopped when I pulled all the insulation off the hot water heater. Fascinating stuff, insulation. All fluffy and yellow and it flys EVERYWHERE if you scratch it hard enough. I liked the insulation, but not the confinement in the dreaded garage.
Now, help me out here.
I don’t understand why the Tofus are offended by my gifts!!
I understand that they are vegan and don’t eat animals. (I admit, I don’t understand WHY they don’t find mice and frogs as appetizing as I do, but People are strange creatures…)
So, I make an effort to bring them vegan gifts.
No dead animals or headless mice on my Tofu Family’s front steps. Oh no. Every night I manage to procure something I hope they will find quite useful.
Over the years I have brought them:
- garden gloves,
- gloves and mittens
- BBQ Mitts,
- car-wash sponges,
- men’s boxers and underwear (my favorite!),
- tee shirts
- towels and rags,
- shredded yellow insulation (oh how I love that yellow insulation!)
- and small children’s clothing.
The exact methods I use to collect my nightly gifts are my secret, and I’ll never share the locations where I find them either. But I am very proud of them.
I can’t count – I’m a cat, remember? But I overheard Tofu Mom tell the neighbor I had brought over 500 articles of clothing and gloves over the last five years. That might be a lot, I don’t know, but I do know it’s a LOT of fun to see their reaction every morning. Makes me SO proud.
They have tried to follow me at night, but I’m too good at this. I hide until they give up and go to bed. Amateurs.
The Tofu Family puts up flyers around the neighborhood (calling me “Kepto Kitty” – the NERVE!) trying to give the stuff back, but no one has come to claim anything. They have it all stored in a big box in the garage. Makes me happy that they’re keeping it!
Tofu Mom DID go to the neighbors once, to try and return their little boy’s underwear. The woman did not believe her when she tried to explain that the cat had stolen them. She slammed the door! Hmph. I do NOT steal. I don’t even know what that is. And why she would want to return perfectly good underwear, I do not know! Tofu Mom said she thought the woman was going to call the police on her! See what I mean about not being appreciated?
My biggest haul, this past summer, was sixteen beautiful, brand-new white men’s socks. All in one night! I was so VERY proud. They were matched pairs even. That HAS to count for something! (And I refuse to share where, and how, I’ve collected my prizes! That part is MY secret!)
Tofu Mom tells people about my gifts on FaceBook. Whatever that is. Everyone who visits her wants to pet me, they act like I’m famous. But they have the nerve to LAUGH at my lovely gifts.
Tofu Mom even takes pictures of my gifts, I try to pose by them whenever possible. She says it’s “evidence” and I agree. Evidence that I love my Tofu Family enough to bring them clothing! Vegan gifts! I make sure and purr VERY loudly when she photographs me and my treasures. Maybe I WILL be famous.
Oddly enough I never see them WEARING any of the lovely items I bring. I realize a lot of it is MENS underwear, swim trunks and socks, and there are no men in the Tofu household, but wouldn’t you think they could show their appreciation and model it for me anyway?
Tofu Mom usually acts EMBARRASSED especially when I’ve worked hard to collect (my FAVORITE!) several pairs of men’s boxers in one night (again, my methods are TOP SECRET!). I always make sure to display them creatively across the front lawn.
But she never says “Good Kitty” like I think she should, usually something like “Oh My God, not again!”
What does THAT mean anyway? Maybe I’ve arranged them wrong. I’ll try and do better next time. She says it looks like she kicked her boyfriend out and threw his stuff on the lawn. Well THAT makes no sense either. She has no boyfriend living here. Maybe I could find her one if I collect more men’s clothing? I wonder.
During the winter, I admit, my collection activities slow down. The Tofu Family speculates it’s because people aren’t leaving clothing hanging in their yards and by their swimming pools and such. Maybe I just need a break? Did they ever think of that? I’m storing up energy so I can collect full time next summer. Besides, who wants to lurk in the rain? I’m just so happy that the neighbors haven’t caught on, and continue to leave me plenty of nice items. If any of you ever decide to move into Tofu Mom’s neighborhood, please make sure you have a lot of gifts that I can bring her. That would make me happy.