Special Guest: Meet Spike

Since I was busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. We’re a little behind schedule now, but I’d like to make an important exception for Senior Fluffypants, I mean, SPIKE, who has a whole lot to say about nooch, organic ‘nip and living with a diva roommate…

Guest Post: Spike

Friend: Luciana, It’s Raining Kale

Hey there,

I’m Spike.
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I live in Maryland with my sister Sugarpaws (aka Twinkletoes, Sweetie Pie, aka WHATEVER), a couple of humans, and one diva of a dog.
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I'm pretty sure she picked this out herself.

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The humans and dog spend a lot of time outside. We went out there once, it’s nothing special. I don’t know why they’d want to go out there when there are perfectly good places to scratch, roll around, and sleep in the house. Plus, the catnip is organic, and it is awe-some.
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awwwsooome

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My mom keeps buying these weird toys, but I’d much rather play with pieces of wicker I break off from the laundry basket, random leaves that make their way into the house, or my absolute favorite–broccoli soccer.  I can tell mom likes it too, because she gets all excited and starts clapping when she finds us playing it in the kitchen. Mostly I just like hanging out.
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My favorite food is nutritional yeast. It’s extra tasty on toast and Popcorn, but our mom saves the last corner of her toast so we can grab it from her plate. The toast part is kind of meh. We usually leave that on the carpet or just chase it around.Tortilla chips are also pretty good–nice and salty, but kale and houseplants are delicious. I’d give them five paws each, but I only have four.
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I love it when bags of people food come in the house because it means we get to nibble on fresh green leaves! Sometimes I also like a few bites of the dog’s food. It’s okay, but I’m not that into all the vegetables. It is in nice little pieces, though.

My sister is pretty cool, but she is really, really interested in the humans. She loves rolling around on them, getting them to pet her and stroke her with that insane looking thing they call a brush. Get this–sometimes she even spends hours sleeping on them! Whatever shakes her catnip–I guess.

Who does this?!

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Don’t get me wrong, I like hanging in the room with my mom, but I prefer lounging under the coffee table and catching an occasional toe to nibble on. When I get too close, mom tries to brush me, hug me, or starts speaking in this ridiculous voice and calling me “Senior Fluffypants.” Do I look like a Fluffypants? I like hanging with her, but something about that lady is just not right. I do let her scratch me behind the ears now and then, but only when I feel like it.
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Sophisticated, so very sophisticated.

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Now, let me tell you about this dog. She barks a lot and is always trying to sniff our tails. What a weirdo! Sometimes she’ll chase us, then scream, turn around, and run the other way. I’ve never even shown her my claws, so I do not know what her damage is. You didn’t hear this from me, but I’ve even seen her taking joyrides when the humans leave the house.
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I keep thinking they’ve gotten rid of her, but the one with the deep voice keeps bringing her back. I tell you what, I am tired of sharing my house with this whiny little b…uh-oh, I gotta run, my mom is back and I’m not supposed to be using the internet without permission. If she asks, I was sleeping the whole time.
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Zelda: Life with Greens

Since I was busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. The first thing Zelda brought to my attention, as she started walking across the keyboard to type this out, was my utter lack of a category tag with her namesake. The next demand? Her own month.

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Hi guys, Zelda here. I originally hail from a backyard in Brookline, Mass. and I was named when my human pals had a fleeting obsession with a Nintendo emulator back in college. Those were the days you could actually fall sleep on top of computer monitors! Anyway, I seem to have quite a popular name, so I do occasionally go by Zeldarella and Dorito.
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Patience, grasshopper.

Back in my younger, feral kitten days, I had a thing for sauteed mushrooms. That got old, and after a brief thing for nutritional yeast, I stuck to my meat cereal until I found something just as special as I was…leafy greens.
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Look at the size of the collard greens they grow here!

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When we moved to Portland, Jess decided that she was growing up and learned to cook. She started adding the most irrestible greens into our diet: spinach, kale, chard, hell, I was even nibbling the collards.
I quickly became a salad aficionado.
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Dinner!
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I sniff ‘em out the moment Jess comes home from the five farmers markets she seems to go to per week. They don’t need washing – just throw them on the floor! I will hunt my way through bags of groceries if I have to, and no one wants me to eat plastic, right?
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Are these leafy greens? I think not.

-At one point, we had a farmshare, and the variety of greens ruled! I’m not sure what Jess did besides take pictures of it, but I was content.

That is, until one awful day….-

Fennel?! Really? Who eats this sh*t?!

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Besides that fennel crap, I do consider myself adventurous about green vegetables. I like to investigate any type of greens – sauteed, steamed, braised, whatever you call it. Yeah, I’ll come licking your dinner bowl, but don’t expect me to finish. I want the fresh stuff.
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These smelled like fire.

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Even though I’ve knocked over every basil and mint starter Jess has brought home (those are false greens!), is it so much to ask for that we have a freaking indoor garden? What type of vegan is she?
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My 4th birthday party.

Now, as many of Jess’ friends can attest, I’m the real reason Jess does not keep beer in the house. She’ll tell you it’s gas, or it’s healthy, or it’s because she’s classy and prefers wine and cocktails, but really, it’s me. I’ll lick wine, but what’s the point? There are no bubbles!

I prefer porters and have a soft spot for Portland microbrews, but I’ll drink the heck out of anything made with hops. I’ll sniff out and lick cider, but it’s not really my thing. I just ruin it for everyone else. I’m really excited that Jess’ brother is supposed to come for Thanksgiving, because he always keeps a case of cheap beer in the fridge.-

Sharing is caring, y'all.

Once, I had 4 licks of beer before someone noticed, and fell asleep while Jess read some book about sparkling vampires.

I have fur. Therefore, Team Jacob.

Ah, dessert.

I’m sure you’re wondering…what sucks about life in Portland? Well, I have an awful roommate. His name is Huxley and I think he’s sleeping on a shelf in a closet somewhere. He has no appreciation for the finer things in life.

I thought you may need some more proof of my fine dining skills, so I got this from Jess’ archives:

Sorry, I got nervous on camera!

Thanks for reading, and just remember – anytime you see leafy greens on this blog,  I was there first.

The Mysterious Huxley’s VeganMoFo Adieu

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Regardless of the fact that I woke up with this cat in my bed, he has a real soft spot for a certain panda friend of mine….

Guest Post: Huxley

Special Friend: Lisa, Panda with Cookie and Vegans on the Move

I am the Huxley, I speak for the cats
I speak for the cats cause that’s where it’s at.
All you well meaning humans with your parcels of food
I am here to tell you what is bad and what’s good.
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I sniff at your agar and stare down your roots
But this is not food for which I give a hoot.
You have bags of fine noodles and boxes of tofu
But for cats with a hunger those simply will not do.
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Some sort of pasta formed to miniature wheels,
I sniff at the box top but this is no deal.
Half peeled fruit that is orange and round;
I just look away and leave with no sound.
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We hop on the table seeking tastier treats
but this pile of veggies is easy to beat.
Zelda is saddened and I’m feeling blue.
Oh foolish humans, what is a hungry cat to do?
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But then from the freezer with a hue and a cry
I see what I want with a gleam in my eye!
So crispy and fried, potatoed and hot
All cats really want is their own bowl of tots.
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Mädchen: The Girl Next Door

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. I somehow got my hands on this draft of a letter to the German edition of Cat Fancy, and well, how could I not share it with the world?

Guest Post: Mädchen

Friend: Michele, Vegtastic Voyage

What are your turn-ons?
Sunshine, blankets, olive oil—I’m a really down-to-earth girl. My favorite possession is a 10-year-old brush that’s really a dish-scrubber. It smelled weird when cold-roommate brought it home, but she said she just needed to “wash the Chinatown off,” and then it was cool. Oh, and I love books. I can’t read or anything, but I’m really into this lying on them (especially when someone is trying to read them).

Turn-offs?
Drunks and kids. Their erratic behavior confuses me. I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life, but if you come at me all out of control, I’m out of there. If everyone would just cool out with a bit of ‘nip, now there’s a vibe I can get down with. And don’t even think about dressing me up. I see all those fool dogs in their Halloween costumes and it makes me sad. We’re not humans—don’t put your trip on us.

How do you keep in shape?
I’m all about staying fit. At my age, every lick of Tofutti goes straight to my hips. My roommates are great about sparring with me, running around our pad, and they’re way into stringplay. I’ll admit, one thing I was all about as a kid but have let go is jumping up door frames. I used to be able to hit the high hinge with a running start.

Any indulgences you’re not proud of?
I already mentioned the ‘nip, didn’t I? No, you know what, I’m not ashamed of that. It’s an occasional treat, and it don’t hurt a soul. And the roommates get mad at me for eating things like pepper leaves and flowers—even though they’re just sitting right there. But there’s stuff I know I shouldn’t eat: Coconut Bliss, anything chocolate, nooch, potatoes, cookies…basically anything cold-roommate eats that doesn’t have garlic in it. I’d be better off with just warm-roommate; he eats lots of the same stuff, but he ruins everything with hot sauce.

What do you look for in a human?
I want someone who’ll meet me at my level. I just want respect, like any other cat. Someone who tries to pick me up right away—as if they own me—well, they won’t be holding me very long, I can promise you that. And body heat. I love cold-roommate because I’ve known her since I was a kid, but warm-roommate, damn, he’s comfy. I can sit on that lap until the end of time.

Sum it all up for us, what is Mädchen all about?
I’ll steal your water or I’ll steal your heart, your choice.

Yummers Spills The Beans

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. I like this next enthusiastic kitty so much I wear a pin with his likeness on it. If you went to Vida Vegan Con, you know what I mean

Guest Post: Yummers

Friend: Amey, Vegan Eats & Treats!

what’s that?! Do I smell asparagus in the kitchen??

Listen up now, I’ve got some important advice for any of you kitties out there who might be interested in getting in on the People Food action.

just look at all that kale… you know they’re gonna give me some!

It’s Yummers Potatoes here. You might remember me from Amey’s blog. Today, I’d like to talk about a subject that’s very dear to me, People Food. People Food is pretty good stuff… I’ve had the honor of eating such delicacies as tortilla chips, ice cream, and crackers. But most of all, I love the veggies. Back in the day I was into raisins and mango, but once I discovered veggies, there was just no going back. My favorites are the green veggies, like kale and spinach, broccoli and asparagus, and green beans, but I also really love corn, which is not green.

me eating some awesome asparagus!

Here’s how you can get involved in eating People Food: My tactic was to start off by being very standoffish. When Amey and Matt first adopted me, I was sure to keep my distance. Anytime they tried to pet me, I would scamper off. When we all sat down on the sofa, I would sit three or four feet away. I called this “long distance snuggling.” Soon enough, they were becoming increasingly desperate for snuggles, and they started to offer me tasty little bits of People Food to see if they could draw me in closer. Don’t give in too quickly, friends! Take the morsel and run off again.

this is how you ask for broccoli!
check it out – I got them so excited about giving me People Food that they make movies about it!

Once you have established a pattern of people giving you People Food, you need to learn how to ask for it more aggressively. As soon as you smell the broccoli cooking on the stove top, run into the kitchen and start meowing like crazy. This will send the message that you are interested. When they sit down to eat, jump up on their chair, or on the sofa next to them and look super cute. It might be a good idea to meow some more as well. If you are still not getting any broccoli handouts, you will need to be more proactive. As soon as they lift their fork from the plate, stick out your little paw and try to knock the broccoli off the fork! If it falls to the ground it will be all yours!

see how she thinks I am cuddling her, but actually I am just getting very close to her borscht! 

Best of all, those annoying dogs aren’t allowed to have people food, so I get to enjoy my asparagus and gloat over it while those poor saps stand by and watch. Mwahahahaha!

Good luck, feline friends. Stay strong and may the People Food soon be yours!

Here they are giving me corn. Wait! Why did they give some to the dogs?!

Pudds Talks About Food

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Next up, a gorgeous fluffball that goes by “Pudds”, aka one of the best kitty names I’ve ever heard.  I want to hug this visionary creature!

Guest Post: Pudds

Friend: Lauren, Whoa Wren

Greetings, non-feline and feline readers alike. My name is Lord Puddleglum Christensen III. You, however, may call me Pudds, as my formal name is quite a mouthful. I understand that I am to talk about my favorite vegan foods. My caretaker will only allow me to eat the food that is prescribed to me, a hard kibble poured out of a resealable bag, but when she isn’t looking, this is what I would get into if I had opposable thumbs.

Chipotle Burritos/Burrito Bowls: Ah, my owner’s attempts at keeping me away from these spicy beacons of goodness will someday be thwarted! There was one lovely afternoon where I was able to gobble down a bean, lost from his brothers after he fell from the silver, pronged device my owner uses to move the food to her mouth. What an afternoon that was! Full of flavor and spice and dreams.

Nutritional Yeast: The blonde one who feeds me and cleans my mobile bathroom is always putting this yellow substance on her food (something about bee twelve?) and I sometimes am able to steal a taste off her fingers. I live for those moments, but often settle for a long, relaxing belly rub instead.

Roasted vegetables: I have no specific reason for this, I just think they look nice and smell good. The blonde one eats them all the time and I would like to know the reasons for it. Her favorites appear to be the small, green trees, the tan orbs and the orange sticks, so I assume my tastes would run in a similar vein.

Rescue Remedy Pet: Sometimes I need a cocktail at the end of the day. Don’t we all?

The day that my opposable thumb training pays off, and I am able to sample these delights in their full glory, I shall victoriously report back to you with my full opinions. Until then, I bid you adieu and wish you all the delightful experiences you dream of.

The Adventures of Klepto Kitty

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Today’s tale is from Maytag, who lives with Tofu Mom, and her late night shopping adventures.  Frankly, I think this kitty deserves her own comic series!

Guest Post: Maytag, aka Klepto Kitty

Friend: Marti, aka Tofu Mom, of Vegan Food; More Than Tofu and Sprouts!

Greetings to all the fabulous cat people out there. If you live with a dog, you’re welcome to stop reading now, as they are despicable beasts that I have no tolerance for, (even if my Person insists on letting two of the deranged things live with her. INSIDE the house I might add. )

My name is Maytag and I live on Tofu Mom’s porch. No. I don’t live inside the house. I despise houses. I once lived inside but I spent every spare moment crying my special part-Siamese cry, trying to escape, chewing on screens, clawing at doors, until Tofu Mom, in all her wisdom, let me outside one glorious day and I’ve refused to come in ever since. Tofu Mom and her kittens (well, I guess she calls them children) tried everything to get me back inside but I was quite determined. It all worked out nicely. Now they bring me food and water and I even have a cozy, insulated house here on the porch, why would I ever want to go back inside their house? It’s so.. stuffy and confining.

Besides. I serve a very important purpose out here on the porch!!
You see, I lurk the neighborhood at night and collect gifts for my Tofu Family.
To show them my appreciation for allowing me to live on the porch, of course! I make an effort to bring them something special every morning, arranged artfully on the front steps, or lawn or even the hood of the car if I think they may not notice. I put a lot of time and effort into my gifts!! Lately, however, I’ve become a bit concerned that they don’t appreciate my efforts. I was even locked in the garage for several dreadful weeks, but that stopped when I pulled all the insulation off the hot water heater. Fascinating stuff, insulation. All fluffy and yellow and it flys EVERYWHERE if you scratch it hard enough. I liked the insulation, but not the confinement in the dreaded garage.

Now, help me out here.
I don’t understand why the Tofus are offended by my gifts!!

I understand that they are vegan and don’t eat animals. (I admit, I don’t understand WHY they don’t find mice and frogs as appetizing as I do, but People are strange creatures…)
So, I make an effort to bring them vegan gifts.
No dead animals or headless mice on my Tofu Family’s front steps. Oh no. Every night I manage to procure something I hope they will find quite useful.
Over the years I have brought them:

  • garden gloves,
  • gloves and mittens
  • BBQ Mitts,
  • car-wash sponges,
  • socks,
  • swimsuits,
  • men’s boxers and underwear (my favorite!),
  • tee shirts
  • towels and rags,
  • shredded yellow insulation (oh how I love that yellow insulation!)
  • and small children’s clothing.

The exact methods I use to collect my nightly gifts are my secret, and I’ll never share the locations where I find them either. But I am very proud of them.
I can’t count – I’m a cat, remember? But I overheard Tofu Mom tell the neighbor I had brought over 500 articles of clothing and gloves over the last five years. That might be a lot, I don’t know, but I do know it’s a LOT of fun to see their reaction every morning. Makes me SO proud.

They have tried to follow me at night, but I’m too good at this. I hide until they give up and go to bed. Amateurs.
The Tofu Family puts up flyers around the neighborhood (calling me “Kepto Kitty” – the NERVE!) trying to give the stuff back, but no one has come to claim anything. They have it all stored in a big box in the garage. Makes me happy that they’re keeping it!

Tofu Mom DID go to the neighbors once, to try and return their little boy’s underwear. The woman did not believe her when she tried to explain that the cat had stolen them. She slammed the door! Hmph. I do NOT steal. I don’t even know what that is. And why she would want to return perfectly good underwear, I do not know! Tofu Mom said she thought the woman was going to call the police on her! See what I mean about not being appreciated?

My biggest haul, this past summer, was sixteen beautiful, brand-new white men’s socks. All in one night! I was so VERY proud. They were matched pairs even. That HAS to count for something! (And I refuse to share where, and how, I’ve collected my prizes! That part is MY secret!)
Tofu Mom tells people about my gifts on FaceBook. Whatever that is. Everyone who visits her wants to pet me, they act like I’m famous. But they have the nerve to LAUGH at my lovely gifts.
Tofu Mom even takes pictures of my gifts, I try to pose by them whenever possible. She says it’s “evidence” and I agree. Evidence that I love my Tofu Family enough to bring them clothing! Vegan gifts! I make sure and purr VERY loudly when she photographs me and my treasures. Maybe I WILL be famous.

Oddly enough I never see them WEARING any of the lovely items I bring. I realize a lot of it is MENS underwear, swim trunks and socks, and there are no men in the Tofu household, but wouldn’t you think they could show their appreciation and model it for me anyway?

Tofu Mom usually acts EMBARRASSED especially when I’ve worked hard to collect (my FAVORITE!) several pairs of men’s boxers in one night (again, my methods are TOP SECRET!). I always make sure to display them creatively across the front lawn.
But she never says “Good Kitty” like I think she should, usually something like “Oh My God, not again!”

What does THAT mean anyway? Maybe I’ve arranged them wrong. I’ll try and do better next time. She says it looks like she kicked her boyfriend out and threw his stuff on the lawn. Well THAT makes no sense either. She has no boyfriend living here. Maybe I could find her one if I collect more men’s clothing? I wonder.

During the winter, I admit, my collection activities slow down. The Tofu Family speculates it’s because people aren’t leaving clothing hanging in their yards and by their swimming pools and such. Maybe I just need a break? Did they ever think of that? I’m storing up energy so I can collect full time next summer. Besides, who wants to lurk in the rain? I’m just so happy that the neighbors haven’t caught on, and continue to leave me plenty of nice items. If any of you ever decide to move into Tofu Mom’s neighborhood, please make sure you have a lot of gifts that I can bring her. That would make me happy.

Fizzle Says: Fair Is Fair

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Do you ever wonder what goes on behind the scenes at the Post Punk Kitchen and inside the home of cookbook author Isa Chandra Moskowitz? Fizzle is here to tell his tale…

Guest Post: Fizzle

Friend: Isa Chandra Moskowitz, The PPK

Your lap is mine.

Hello, my name is Fizzle Moskowitz and I am the author of Vegan with a Vengeance. Yeah, it says Isa Chandra Moskowitz on the cover but my lawyer will tell you who really wrote it. I live with my sister Avocado and a fluffy orange nuisance named Kirby. When I’m not writing cookbooks I’m scratching the couch or sleeping. Sometimes I sit on your lap until you legs go numb. All in a days work!

I guess the thing people most often ask me is “Why did you stop writing cookbooks?” Well, I’ve been pretty quiet about it but I think it’s time to break my silence.

After authoring Vegan With A Vengeance, things with Isa changed. She started playing kitty ball with me less and less, and petting me only half-heartedly. I’d sit on her lap while she droned out at the computer refreshing her Amazon page over and over and over again. Now, neglect is one thing, but what came next pushed me over the edege.

She makes me stuff gift bags for her charity.

The royalties started pouring in, billions of dollars (I think, I can’t count, I’m a cat) but my cat food remained suspiciously the same. Meanwhile, Isa was eating the most expensive imported tofus, handpicked black beans and kales made of gold. I hid my toys under the couch, expecting new and exciting toys. Instead, she found my old toys and tried to act like nothing was wrong, like I should just play with those. She had brand new vegan shoes, why didn’t I have brand new toys??!?!

She keeps me in a box.

And then came the creative differences. The next book had to be special, obvs, and I was working overtime developing concepts. I finally came up with “Vegan Nutritional Yeast And Cantaloupe Take Over The World.” I mean, people, have you tried that? Together? It’s like crack-nip! (As a side note, sometimes I like to knock the nutritional yeast over and roll in it.)

But Isa insisted on cupcakes. Cupcakes! I’m totally serious! So now, instead of a book that people can actually use, there’s a ridiculous book about cupcakes collecting dust in a warehouse somewhere. And I hate the shape, it’s too square!

Get me out of this tire prison!

So, that’s the ugly truth right there. And you should also know that she prances around the house in a faux fur bathrobe and Burger King crown crowing “I am the vegan queen! I am the vegan queen!” Meanwhile, I’m on a leash in the backyard. And every single one of you is culpable.

Get this leash off of me!!!!

Fizz, that was eye-opening! I take back all my years of recipe testing, and I really  hope you negotiated for a percentage of the pie book.  Poor baby!

A Cat’s Guide to Vegans, by Buhbah

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. You have no idea the amount of strings I had to pull (and toss) to get this internet sensation to  sit down and share some deep thoughts. 

Remember my face.

Guest Blogger: Buhbah
Special Friend: Gabrielle, Vegans on the Move

A Cat’s Guide to Vegans, by Buhbah.

Some might call me a “scrapper from way back,” some, more accurately, “Buhbah.” Even though I’m afraid of leaves (those fuckers are shifty!), I think I’m pretty much the most streetwise cat on the block.

Case in point, I was living with this annoying-as-all-hell dog, two snotty indoor cats (look, it doesn’t matter if I actually sleep inside all day, I want the option to go on a little walkabout), and some people who fed me the wrong food, among other crimes. I noticed when a tall one and a still-kinda-tall-but-shorter-than-the-dude-one moved in next-door, and I saw an opportunity.

Hello, humans.

Strutting through their yard looking irresistibly cute, staring in through their kitchen window as they made dinner, purring and knocking my head enjoyably against every hard surface in their house—it took maybe a month for my plan to reaching completion, and probably only another month for me to become the internet sensation that I am today.

But what does all of this have to do with vegans? Yo, vegans are the shit. Shorter one is vegan, and as such, she is wired to be obsessed with cats and there is always, always, nutritional yeast on her desk somewhere (Agnes knows what’s up!).  Shorter one makes all kinds of delicious-smelling shit—I mean, I’ll stick with my tuna—but I’ll definitely rub myself up against shorter one in the kitchen when she’s juggling tomato soup-making, stovetop mushroom smoking, tempeh marinating, and that really horrible immersion blender thing. I kinda like Cheezly. Tofurky’s aiight.

Before they installed the kitty door, I creeped around. A lot.

The two best snugglers whom have visited taller one and shorter one in recent months are vegan. The first one was this blog’s very own Jess, who is a master cat whisperer and knows I like to be under the blankets. The second is my homegirl, who is actually a Panda Cookie, the creator of my most treasured possession: the catnip carrot, that, due to my fame, is now dubbed The Buhbah. I might be addicted to catnip, but no human watching a cute fur-ball such as myself rolling around with a pirate carrot, high out of his mind, is gonna judge.

Hanging out with Jay. aka the Taller One.

Basically, vegans are god’s gift to cats. Most of them appreciate that we don’t want to eat their weird tofu and stuff, but they love us all the same. Buhbah out.

Out.

Vegan Food Reviews by Agnes

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. First up, a contribution from my goddaughter, who’s on her way to becoming a wonderful little vegan food critic…

Sometimes I like to help in the kitchen.

Guest Blogger: Agnes
Special Friend: Alanna Maeve, Heartichoke Supper Club

I’m not vegan, but like many Portlanders, I do enjoy vegan foods. In
fact, I was born in the home of the proprietors of a vegan-friendly
taco truck. I’ve never actually eaten a taco, but I feel like I would
really like it.

I thought I would review a few vegan foods for you today. While I
mostly eat fish (that’s at least vegetarian, right?), these foods add
some fun to my diet. Sometimes eating them  also makes my roommate
yell at me which is fun too.

Nutritional yeast

I love this shit. I get all excited when my roommate gets it out to
make mac and cheese or whatever and try to act cute so she gives me
some. Then she curses my name when she realizes she doesn’t have
enough left over for her recipe. One thing I don’t like is how my
roommate tries to trick me with it sometimes. If food has been in my
dish for more than a few hours (which happens a lot, I really try to
eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full like I read in Eat to
Live), I’m obviously not going to eat it—it’s totally stale. I have
standards, after all. But sometimes my roommate puts nutritional yeast
on that totally stale food to get me to eat it. It worked the first
few times, but I’m smarter than that now. Now I just lick it off and
ask for new fresh food over and over and over again until she finally
relents.

Hummus

This is possibly my second favorite food. Apparently it has garlic in
it and cats aren’t supposed to eat garlic so my roommate really tries
to keep it away from me, but I really don’t care. That shit is
delicious.

Hanging out with my roommate.

Dave’s Killer Bread

Bread is the BEST FOOD. It is SO GOOD. Dave’s Killer Bread is the best
bread, but really I’ll eat anything. It’s ok if the bread is wrapped
in a plastic bag—I might not have thumbs to open the bag like a human,
but I have really sharp teeth so I can just chew right through and
help myself to a slice. My roommate yells at me and asks me, what’s
the point of buying hugely expensive grain-free food when I’m just
going to eat an entire slice of bread? But she’s a total hypocrite
because she eats carbs all the time. Like yesterday she had two pieces
of cake. SO STOP JUDGING ME!

Vegan cheese

Once I tried a bite of Follow Your Heart mozzarella. I thought it was
real cheese, because I used to have this roommate who wasn’t vegan and
gave me way better snacks then I get now. (Sometimes she gave me
chunks of fish, it was awesome! Sorry, I know this is a vegan blog.)
This stuff does not taste like real cheese. I ate it off the kitchen
table and then I threw it back up right there. Not recommended.

Sleeping off a hangover.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you find these reviews helpful! My
roommate wanted me to add that I also enjoy eating my own hair off the
carpet, old coffee grounds (apparently cats aren’t supposed to have
caffeine either, who knew?), cardboard and dirt, but I don’t know what
she’s trying to say.