The Adventures of Klepto Kitty

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Today’s tale is from Maytag, who lives with Tofu Mom, and her late night shopping adventures.  Frankly, I think this kitty deserves her own comic series!

Guest Post: Maytag, aka Klepto Kitty

Friend: Marti, aka Tofu Mom, of Vegan Food; More Than Tofu and Sprouts!

Greetings to all the fabulous cat people out there. If you live with a dog, you’re welcome to stop reading now, as they are despicable beasts that I have no tolerance for, (even if my Person insists on letting two of the deranged things live with her. INSIDE the house I might add. )

My name is Maytag and I live on Tofu Mom’s porch. No. I don’t live inside the house. I despise houses. I once lived inside but I spent every spare moment crying my special part-Siamese cry, trying to escape, chewing on screens, clawing at doors, until Tofu Mom, in all her wisdom, let me outside one glorious day and I’ve refused to come in ever since. Tofu Mom and her kittens (well, I guess she calls them children) tried everything to get me back inside but I was quite determined. It all worked out nicely. Now they bring me food and water and I even have a cozy, insulated house here on the porch, why would I ever want to go back inside their house? It’s so.. stuffy and confining.

Besides. I serve a very important purpose out here on the porch!!
You see, I lurk the neighborhood at night and collect gifts for my Tofu Family.
To show them my appreciation for allowing me to live on the porch, of course! I make an effort to bring them something special every morning, arranged artfully on the front steps, or lawn or even the hood of the car if I think they may not notice. I put a lot of time and effort into my gifts!! Lately, however, I’ve become a bit concerned that they don’t appreciate my efforts. I was even locked in the garage for several dreadful weeks, but that stopped when I pulled all the insulation off the hot water heater. Fascinating stuff, insulation. All fluffy and yellow and it flys EVERYWHERE if you scratch it hard enough. I liked the insulation, but not the confinement in the dreaded garage.

Now, help me out here.
I don’t understand why the Tofus are offended by my gifts!!

I understand that they are vegan and don’t eat animals. (I admit, I don’t understand WHY they don’t find mice and frogs as appetizing as I do, but People are strange creatures…)
So, I make an effort to bring them vegan gifts.
No dead animals or headless mice on my Tofu Family’s front steps. Oh no. Every night I manage to procure something I hope they will find quite useful.
Over the years I have brought them:

  • garden gloves,
  • gloves and mittens
  • BBQ Mitts,
  • car-wash sponges,
  • socks,
  • swimsuits,
  • men’s boxers and underwear (my favorite!),
  • tee shirts
  • towels and rags,
  • shredded yellow insulation (oh how I love that yellow insulation!)
  • and small children’s clothing.

The exact methods I use to collect my nightly gifts are my secret, and I’ll never share the locations where I find them either. But I am very proud of them.
I can’t count – I’m a cat, remember? But I overheard Tofu Mom tell the neighbor I had brought over 500 articles of clothing and gloves over the last five years. That might be a lot, I don’t know, but I do know it’s a LOT of fun to see their reaction every morning. Makes me SO proud.

They have tried to follow me at night, but I’m too good at this. I hide until they give up and go to bed. Amateurs.
The Tofu Family puts up flyers around the neighborhood (calling me “Kepto Kitty” – the NERVE!) trying to give the stuff back, but no one has come to claim anything. They have it all stored in a big box in the garage. Makes me happy that they’re keeping it!

Tofu Mom DID go to the neighbors once, to try and return their little boy’s underwear. The woman did not believe her when she tried to explain that the cat had stolen them. She slammed the door! Hmph. I do NOT steal. I don’t even know what that is. And why she would want to return perfectly good underwear, I do not know! Tofu Mom said she thought the woman was going to call the police on her! See what I mean about not being appreciated?

My biggest haul, this past summer, was sixteen beautiful, brand-new white men’s socks. All in one night! I was so VERY proud. They were matched pairs even. That HAS to count for something! (And I refuse to share where, and how, I’ve collected my prizes! That part is MY secret!)
Tofu Mom tells people about my gifts on FaceBook. Whatever that is. Everyone who visits her wants to pet me, they act like I’m famous. But they have the nerve to LAUGH at my lovely gifts.
Tofu Mom even takes pictures of my gifts, I try to pose by them whenever possible. She says it’s “evidence” and I agree. Evidence that I love my Tofu Family enough to bring them clothing! Vegan gifts! I make sure and purr VERY loudly when she photographs me and my treasures. Maybe I WILL be famous.

Oddly enough I never see them WEARING any of the lovely items I bring. I realize a lot of it is MENS underwear, swim trunks and socks, and there are no men in the Tofu household, but wouldn’t you think they could show their appreciation and model it for me anyway?

Tofu Mom usually acts EMBARRASSED especially when I’ve worked hard to collect (my FAVORITE!) several pairs of men’s boxers in one night (again, my methods are TOP SECRET!). I always make sure to display them creatively across the front lawn.
But she never says “Good Kitty” like I think she should, usually something like “Oh My God, not again!”

What does THAT mean anyway? Maybe I’ve arranged them wrong. I’ll try and do better next time. She says it looks like she kicked her boyfriend out and threw his stuff on the lawn. Well THAT makes no sense either. She has no boyfriend living here. Maybe I could find her one if I collect more men’s clothing? I wonder.

During the winter, I admit, my collection activities slow down. The Tofu Family speculates it’s because people aren’t leaving clothing hanging in their yards and by their swimming pools and such. Maybe I just need a break? Did they ever think of that? I’m storing up energy so I can collect full time next summer. Besides, who wants to lurk in the rain? I’m just so happy that the neighbors haven’t caught on, and continue to leave me plenty of nice items. If any of you ever decide to move into Tofu Mom’s neighborhood, please make sure you have a lot of gifts that I can bring her. That would make me happy.

Double Feature: Nero and Susu from Felinus 6

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Today’s guest post comes from not one, but two kitty cats, who are visiting Earth on assignment. I don’t want to give anything away, so please, read on. The future of the galaxy is in their paws.

Guest Post: Nero and Susu

Friends: Eve and Paula

My name is Argelian.  Humans call me Nero, and those closest to me also refer to me as Winky or Winkus, but I try to ignore that.  Life in San Diego is pretty good.  Both the tall and the short human that I live with are very nice despite raising their voices by at least an octave when they talk to me. Don’t they know how grating that can be to a cat’s ears? Nonetheless, they feed me when I ask and let me sit on their laps or on their papers or keyboards. Where ever it’s warm.

Recently, I called up to my home planet, Felinus 6, because I felt like I needed a little more help in gathering all the data I need from the humans in this house.  They were kind enough to send down a young recruit named Susu. The humans must be more intuitive than I thought because they named her Susu Watari. Susu has been very helpful in gathering data for me and she’s also very warm so we nap together, which the humans seem to love and take pictures of constantly.

One of our favorite things about Earth is the food, and we especially like to eat the same food that the humans eat.  Sometimes, though, the food they are eating will smell really good and I will sniff it and ask for some, but when they give it to me, I lose my appetite and have to just walk away.  Something I can never resist though, is a substance called Tofurkey.  It’s salty and smokey and just SO GOOD!  I will literally claw up someone’s leg to get it.  They even make a peppered variety, which I love.  I wish I could have it more often!

Susu, being a younger and more adventurous cat than I, will try ANYTHING!  She even loves peanut shells, but I’m not sure that she realizes they are not food.  She has also eaten figs and something called keenwa? I can’t be sure of the spelling, but it does not look very good to me.

We are slowly but surely collecting all our research, but sometimes it’s hard to get in a lot of work between naps, outdoor excursions and couch scratching. (Isn’t it nice of them to buy these huge couches just for us to sharpen our claws on?).  I should get some more work done today, but I think I’ll take a short rest in an open pizza box on the counter.  It smells great in there and it’s very cozy!

Fizzle Says: Fair Is Fair

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Do you ever wonder what goes on behind the scenes at the Post Punk Kitchen and inside the home of cookbook author Isa Chandra Moskowitz? Fizzle is here to tell his tale…

Guest Post: Fizzle

Friend: Isa Chandra Moskowitz, The PPK

Your lap is mine.

Hello, my name is Fizzle Moskowitz and I am the author of Vegan with a Vengeance. Yeah, it says Isa Chandra Moskowitz on the cover but my lawyer will tell you who really wrote it. I live with my sister Avocado and a fluffy orange nuisance named Kirby. When I’m not writing cookbooks I’m scratching the couch or sleeping. Sometimes I sit on your lap until you legs go numb. All in a days work!

I guess the thing people most often ask me is “Why did you stop writing cookbooks?” Well, I’ve been pretty quiet about it but I think it’s time to break my silence.

After authoring Vegan With A Vengeance, things with Isa changed. She started playing kitty ball with me less and less, and petting me only half-heartedly. I’d sit on her lap while she droned out at the computer refreshing her Amazon page over and over and over again. Now, neglect is one thing, but what came next pushed me over the edege.

She makes me stuff gift bags for her charity.

The royalties started pouring in, billions of dollars (I think, I can’t count, I’m a cat) but my cat food remained suspiciously the same. Meanwhile, Isa was eating the most expensive imported tofus, handpicked black beans and kales made of gold. I hid my toys under the couch, expecting new and exciting toys. Instead, she found my old toys and tried to act like nothing was wrong, like I should just play with those. She had brand new vegan shoes, why didn’t I have brand new toys??!?!

She keeps me in a box.

And then came the creative differences. The next book had to be special, obvs, and I was working overtime developing concepts. I finally came up with “Vegan Nutritional Yeast And Cantaloupe Take Over The World.” I mean, people, have you tried that? Together? It’s like crack-nip! (As a side note, sometimes I like to knock the nutritional yeast over and roll in it.)

But Isa insisted on cupcakes. Cupcakes! I’m totally serious! So now, instead of a book that people can actually use, there’s a ridiculous book about cupcakes collecting dust in a warehouse somewhere. And I hate the shape, it’s too square!

Get me out of this tire prison!

So, that’s the ugly truth right there. And you should also know that she prances around the house in a faux fur bathrobe and Burger King crown crowing “I am the vegan queen! I am the vegan queen!” Meanwhile, I’m on a leash in the backyard. And every single one of you is culpable.

Get this leash off of me!!!!

Fizz, that was eye-opening! I take back all my years of recipe testing, and I really  hope you negotiated for a percentage of the pie book.  Poor baby!

A Cat’s Guide to Vegans, by Buhbah

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. You have no idea the amount of strings I had to pull (and toss) to get this internet sensation to  sit down and share some deep thoughts. 

Remember my face.

Guest Blogger: Buhbah
Special Friend: Gabrielle, Vegans on the Move

A Cat’s Guide to Vegans, by Buhbah.

Some might call me a “scrapper from way back,” some, more accurately, “Buhbah.” Even though I’m afraid of leaves (those fuckers are shifty!), I think I’m pretty much the most streetwise cat on the block.

Case in point, I was living with this annoying-as-all-hell dog, two snotty indoor cats (look, it doesn’t matter if I actually sleep inside all day, I want the option to go on a little walkabout), and some people who fed me the wrong food, among other crimes. I noticed when a tall one and a still-kinda-tall-but-shorter-than-the-dude-one moved in next-door, and I saw an opportunity.

Hello, humans.

Strutting through their yard looking irresistibly cute, staring in through their kitchen window as they made dinner, purring and knocking my head enjoyably against every hard surface in their house—it took maybe a month for my plan to reaching completion, and probably only another month for me to become the internet sensation that I am today.

But what does all of this have to do with vegans? Yo, vegans are the shit. Shorter one is vegan, and as such, she is wired to be obsessed with cats and there is always, always, nutritional yeast on her desk somewhere (Agnes knows what’s up!).  Shorter one makes all kinds of delicious-smelling shit—I mean, I’ll stick with my tuna—but I’ll definitely rub myself up against shorter one in the kitchen when she’s juggling tomato soup-making, stovetop mushroom smoking, tempeh marinating, and that really horrible immersion blender thing. I kinda like Cheezly. Tofurky’s aiight.

Before they installed the kitty door, I creeped around. A lot.

The two best snugglers whom have visited taller one and shorter one in recent months are vegan. The first one was this blog’s very own Jess, who is a master cat whisperer and knows I like to be under the blankets. The second is my homegirl, who is actually a Panda Cookie, the creator of my most treasured possession: the catnip carrot, that, due to my fame, is now dubbed The Buhbah. I might be addicted to catnip, but no human watching a cute fur-ball such as myself rolling around with a pirate carrot, high out of his mind, is gonna judge.

Hanging out with Jay. aka the Taller One.

Basically, vegans are god’s gift to cats. Most of them appreciate that we don’t want to eat their weird tofu and stuff, but they love us all the same. Buhbah out.

Out.

A Day in the Life of Mercutio

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Next up, a glimpse into the life of a real party animal in SW Portland…

Guest Blogger: Mercutio
Special Friend: Stephanie, Thoughts of life and dark chocolate

4:30am – I discover my food bowl is half empty (I’m a realist) so I attempt to rectify the situation by pouncing on the humans while they sleep. Extra points if I hit belly or crotch. Mother groans and hides under the covers.
4:32am – Attempt #2 at food service. I start in with my cute little “mew!” and don’t stop until somebody gets up. Usually it’s Mother who stumbles to the kitchen and scoops kibble into my bowl, cursing.
8:00am – Humans exit the house for the day, leaving me alone with HER, my nemesis Delilah. I pretend to cuddle with her while the humans are around for the sake of peace but she’s so annoying.


12:00pm – Success! Mother has left my favorite food in the garbage, wilted kale stems and bits of leaves. She never lets me have it, she thinks I can’t control myself. In my excitement I eat too much and knock the garbage over.


12:15pm – Too many green goodness, I make a mess. How do vegans control themselves when it comes to kale? It tastes like liquid gold. Like I know what gold tastes like.
5:30pm – Humans have returned, interrupting my 8 hour nap with tickles and hugs. LEAVE ME ALONE. No, NO. I do NOT want to wear the Santa hat. It’s the middle of f@$king summer!


7:00pm – The small annoying one has knocked over ANOTHER water glass. What a slob.
11:00pm – Humans retire for the night. I go to bed with them as usual and wait until they’re just about asleep, then I attempt to leave the room by scratching at the door and making a racket. Ruin MY naps, will ya?!
11:45pm – Delilah and I are wide awake and partake in a race around the apartment and over the bed. Bonus points for belly and crotch hits.
1:00am – Finally, humans are asleep and Delilah has scurried herself to other mischief. Time to enjoy my favorite nightcap.

What a day!

Vegan Food Reviews by Agnes

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. First up, a contribution from my goddaughter, who’s on her way to becoming a wonderful little vegan food critic…

Sometimes I like to help in the kitchen.

Guest Blogger: Agnes
Special Friend: Alanna Maeve, Heartichoke Supper Club

I’m not vegan, but like many Portlanders, I do enjoy vegan foods. In
fact, I was born in the home of the proprietors of a vegan-friendly
taco truck. I’ve never actually eaten a taco, but I feel like I would
really like it.

I thought I would review a few vegan foods for you today. While I
mostly eat fish (that’s at least vegetarian, right?), these foods add
some fun to my diet. Sometimes eating them  also makes my roommate
yell at me which is fun too.

Nutritional yeast

I love this shit. I get all excited when my roommate gets it out to
make mac and cheese or whatever and try to act cute so she gives me
some. Then she curses my name when she realizes she doesn’t have
enough left over for her recipe. One thing I don’t like is how my
roommate tries to trick me with it sometimes. If food has been in my
dish for more than a few hours (which happens a lot, I really try to
eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full like I read in Eat to
Live), I’m obviously not going to eat it—it’s totally stale. I have
standards, after all. But sometimes my roommate puts nutritional yeast
on that totally stale food to get me to eat it. It worked the first
few times, but I’m smarter than that now. Now I just lick it off and
ask for new fresh food over and over and over again until she finally
relents.

Hummus

This is possibly my second favorite food. Apparently it has garlic in
it and cats aren’t supposed to eat garlic so my roommate really tries
to keep it away from me, but I really don’t care. That shit is
delicious.

Hanging out with my roommate.

Dave’s Killer Bread

Bread is the BEST FOOD. It is SO GOOD. Dave’s Killer Bread is the best
bread, but really I’ll eat anything. It’s ok if the bread is wrapped
in a plastic bag—I might not have thumbs to open the bag like a human,
but I have really sharp teeth so I can just chew right through and
help myself to a slice. My roommate yells at me and asks me, what’s
the point of buying hugely expensive grain-free food when I’m just
going to eat an entire slice of bread? But she’s a total hypocrite
because she eats carbs all the time. Like yesterday she had two pieces
of cake. SO STOP JUDGING ME!

Vegan cheese

Once I tried a bite of Follow Your Heart mozzarella. I thought it was
real cheese, because I used to have this roommate who wasn’t vegan and
gave me way better snacks then I get now. (Sometimes she gave me
chunks of fish, it was awesome! Sorry, I know this is a vegan blog.)
This stuff does not taste like real cheese. I ate it off the kitchen
table and then I threw it back up right there. Not recommended.

Sleeping off a hangover.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you find these reviews helpful! My
roommate wanted me to add that I also enjoy eating my own hair off the
carpet, old coffee grounds (apparently cats aren’t supposed to have
caffeine either, who knew?), cardboard and dirt, but I don’t know what
she’s trying to say.

there’s a recipe for tangerine teriyaki sauce in this post

Tangerine Teriyaki Soba with Tofu, Cabbage and Spinach
teriyaki tangerine soba

I’m giving myself a little pat on the back because this was the best clean-out-the-fridge dinner I’ve made in a while. Really, I’m giving Isa a pat on the back, because I was clearly inspired by test recipes I’ve made for her new book. It’s such a positive influence already! There’s tofu, sautéed cabbage, spinach, garlic,  ginger, and soba noodles, topped with some spur-of-the-moment teriyaki sauce.  I’ve been on a spending hiatus and have been focused on throwing odds and ends into scrambles, stir fries and risotto.

Tangerine Teriyaki Sauce (small amount for 2 servings, double as needed)

  • 2 tablespoons tamari
  • 2 tablespoon rice vinegar
  • 1 teaspoon brown sugar
  • juice of one small tangerine
  • dash sesame chili oil (or quick dash of sesame oil and chili paste)
  • 1/2 tablespoon cornstarch

Whisk together. Heat briefly on the stove or in the microwave. Add to your stir fry after everything is cooked, toss, serve, smile, eat, take a walk, sleep.

If I hadn’t already added a lot of minced garlic and ginger to the stir fry, I would have added it here!

Next up is another hodgepodge dish – Chickpea Breaded Seitan Tenders

chickpea baked seitan

It’s boiled seitan cut into strips, and breaded with a mixture of ground, roasted chickpeas, nutritional yeast and seasoned breadcrumbs.  They were simply dipped into vegetable broth, breaded and baked at 400F for 20 minutes on each side.  Basically, I was on a roasted chickpea kick, and then fell out of it and ground them to make a super-protein-ist meal.

And here’s Zelda doing one of the things she does best, investigating a plate with greens.  From The  Urban Vegan: Sloppy Joes – these were so easy to whip up!

-Sorry, photo unavailable-

They were a little sweet for me, so next time I’d cut down the sugar a smidgen.  Served with grilled creminis and kale salad ala The Ruby Dragon – with avocado, sea salt and fresh lemon juice.  I’ve been on a roll with that this past week!  I really like that the avocado doesn’t brown and I can keep a big bowl of it around.

Coming soonLOST themed party snacks, GALORE.  My friend Susie is in town and we’re hosting Benjamin Linus Throws a Dinner Party this weekend.  Dharma labels make me happy.