Dinger and Willow: The Poor Hungry Dogs

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Today’s post is another double whammy of super cuteness: two pups, 4 melt-your-heart eyeballs and 8 little legs. I promise you two a whole batch of scones when I finally make my way to Austin!

Guest Post: Dinger and Willow

Friend: The Lazy Smurf

*Note Dinger’s is on the left, his voice is kind of like Hank Hills’ but slower. Willow is on the right and more like the English dubbed little girl in an anime movie.

Hi, I’m Dinger McPuppenstein and I guess some girl with a scone or something wanted me to tell you about vegan food. Probably I would have been a lot happier if she had just, like, given me the scone.

I’m Willow and I would eat a scone!

I guess a lot of people don’t realize that I’m a flex-a-tarian or something. I’m pretty flexible about what eat, like, pretty much if it can fit in my mouth I’m probably going to at least try it. I should probably have a show on the food network, actually.

I think Dinger is so cool!

It’s, like, pretty hard to pick any favorites. I just learned about ice cream the other day, I see my human friends eating it all the time. I guess they realized how unfair it is that I mostly get dog food so they gave me, like, one bite. I grunted for about 20 minutes after that and she, like, only gave me a couple more bites. Sometimes you just have to stare at them until they realize how hungry you are. The weird thing is that they say they love animals and are against cruelty or whatever but then they spend all day cooking and, like, hardly give me anything. It has gotten to the point where they started to measure out all the food I get in a little measuring cup. It’s like they want me to beg. And then if I take stuff off their plate when they aren’t looking or get into the trash they act like it’s this huge deal. I’ve even fallen asleep while waiting for something from the table.

Once I stole someone’s sandwich out of their hand!

Sometimes if we go out I get to try things that I hadn’t before. Like, once, at the dog park there was some stupid baby running around with this thing called a lollypop. He was pretty short and I figured he knew about sharing so I took it. It was pretty good but then the humans grabbed it out of my mouth, can you believe that? They didn’t even eat it after that.

I barked the whole time!

And then another time we were at a kite festival and this baby was sitting in a stroller with a pile of snacks. He wasn’t even eating it so I just took the whole thing. Then they were like “we are never taking you to a kite festival again.

I like kites!

Sometimes when they feed me they just walk away and I have to just sit there and stare at them until they remember to add Chia Seeds and Nooch to my bowl. It’s like, “hello? where I am I supposed to get my Omega 3s and B vitamins?” They can just be so stupid.

I lick all the nooch off before I eat my food!

But they’re good people I guess. Usually we all sleep in a pile and that’s pretty cool. Unless someone takes my spot.

I love Dinger!!!

Besides hanging out with these two cuties, The Lazy Smurf also spends her time helping other animals – check out one of her latest projects, the collective Sunny Days in Texas cookzine. All sales of this zine go directly to Sunny Day Farms Animal Sanctuary in La Coste, Texas, which experienced an awful, lengthy draught this past summer. 

Molly & The Keeper of the Nori

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Don’t tell my feline roommates, but we have one more canine in tow, Molly, who knows a thing or two, or twelve, about a certain seaweed…

Guest Post: Molly

Friend: Erika, The Cosmopolitan Hour & Soyfucker

Nori is a catch-all term for the thin sheets of dried Porphyra seaweed commonly used in sushi-making.  Nori has been a staple of Asian diets for centuries, and was part of Japan’s taxation system as early as the 8th century.  Nori does not naturally grow in sheets; it is harvested from the ocean, shredded, and then dried in sheet form.  So it’s a lot like paper, but saltier (apropos, have you ever tried eating shredded facial tissues? They’re delectable!).  Nori is very nutrient-dense, especially where daily intakes of iron, calcium, iodine, carotene, and Vitamins A, B, and C are concerned.

Most importantly, however, is how nori is digested.  My personally preferred method is to lie on the side, on a couch or bed, while smacking my jaws in a ridiculous fashion to get all the nori that has bunched up and gotten stuck in my gums.  A crucial part of the digestion of nori is the Enzyme Science©, so I find that lying on a cool floor during a hot day is also an effective method of nori digestion.  Likewise, on a cool day, you want to make sure your humans cover you with as many soft blankets as possible.

When digesting any food, you want your guts and bits to have room to work and stretch out.  You can’t get any work done if you’re cheek to jowl, can you?  And let me tell you, I know a thing or two about jowls.  So stretch out!  Take as much space as possible for your entire body, but especially your rotund belly.  I’m only 35 lbs, but I can take up an entire queen bed with a minimal effort.  Now, I don’t anticipate an amateur being able to tackle this level of space-hogging on their first attempt- go at your own pace!  But it’s good for pros like me to put out there that to which you may one day aspire.  Aim high!

You know how your mom never told you to go swimming right after eating, right?  Well, the same applies to walking.  Or working.  Or looking at stuff.  Or doing anything.  Give yourself plenty of downtime, once stretched and comfortable, to digest your nori.  I usually find that 6-10 hours of non-activity, on average, works best for every sheet of nori consumed.  If you’re unsure, always round up.

When you’re feeling sufficiently rested and your nori has been digested, you’re ready to move on.  Be sure to take a big, long stretch to get all the excess nori tamped down into your lower colon and free up as much space as possible for more nori.  Then go ask your human, or anyone else with an opposable thumb, to get some more out of the cupboard for you.  I find the best method of asking is to stare plaintively with the largest, most watery eyes possible.  If your human is successful in ignoring you, start whining and pawing at their leg until you get what you want.  Looking as cute and/or pathetic as possible is always a bonus- due to the significant number of teeth I’ve lost over the years, my tongue hangs out of my mouth involuntarily from time to time.  A lesser being would feel ashamed of their appearance, but to me that tongue is a golden ticket to unlimited Sympathy Nori.

Now, whoever is the Keeper of Nori in your household (unless you are lucky enough to be the Keeper yourself) may be so inclined to demand performances from you in exchange for salty little green flakes of heaven.  You may be required to demonstrate that you do indeed know how to sit on your ass or lift up a paw/hand to give a high-five.  Why are we high-fiving?  There is nothing to high-five about unless as much of that nori is in my mouth as possible, you horrible, horrible monster woman. When this happens, just bear through it (think of the nori) and make a note of it later in your diary.  You know, the accounting of misdeeds to which you will refer after The Uprising.

Thanks, Molly! Now surely, I’m not the only one thinking sushi for lunch.

Hazel Street Eats

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Big news - I’m interrupting our regular string of feline themed-shenanigans for a visit from a dog! 

This unique contribution comes from Vegansaurus co-founder Laura Beck, her boyfriend, comic artist Jonas Madden-Connor, and features their pup, Hazel. Don’t worry, guys, Laura assures me that Hazel is vegan at home, and turns freegan on the streets. I’m not saying I approve, but I have known many folks with similar lifestyles, myself. You’re such a cheater, Hazel!

“I swear, she loves being vegan—devours her V-Dog like a maniac—but all bets are off when we hit the streets!” – Laura Beck
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This artiwork first appeared in the Comic Book Guide to the Mission, published in 2011.

Thanks, Hazel! Photo credit: Vegansaurus.com