It’s A Rough Life: Gnocchi’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping & Stirring Up Trouble

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Today’s post gives us a glance into the fuzzy, creative genius that is Gnocchi the bunny rabbit.

Guest post: Gnocchi

Friend: Kelly of The Vegan Cookie ConnoisseurSeitan Beats Your Meat

Duiiiiiii./d´÷´\\ cvmcv cv gvg.hv;fcllllv. ;ddkxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxcflbn.ddnxzzzzzzzzzzzzndxxxxxxxxgbb bb k,,,,,,,,,,,,cv jcfjfgkhb;rtr4mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmcjk*

*I have no idea what that says (he doesn’t know how to read, but he thinks he knows how to write), but I don’t want to hurt Gnocchi’s feelings. Luckily, he got tired of typing and asked me to type for him. –Kelly

I love eating. And pooping. Then eating again. Repeat all day. My food tastes the best when I tip over the bowl and it spills all over the place. I’m super chubby and I like to sleep and I’m SO adorable. I like to read blogs and hang out in Kelly’s lap when we’re on the internet. We take SO many pictures. 99% of our Photobooth collection is pictures of me. My favorite foods are honeydew and apples.

I hate toys. I would much rather eat other fun stuff like the kitchen chairs, the bathroom door, Q tips I find on the bathroom floor, folders and cardboard under the couch, and Macbook cords (I destroyed one with a little bite this one time. It was HILARIOUS). Once I tried coffee but I didn’t really like it, so I tipped the cup over onto the carpet in protest. Ripping up the carpet is a lot of fun too.


I model for Upton’s Naturals during the day when Kelly is gone. I’m also a professional napper and a catnip dealer. If you’ve never tried it, Carrot Seitan is DELICIOUS!

I REALLY hate getting my hair did. But I love cuddling so I dealt with it. Plus, the ‘do looks great. If we super duper cuddle and you’re really quiet, I’ll make little squeaky noises.

I love donuts, but I love wine even more. I want to be a unicorn for Halloween. I hope I get to eat lots of candy and poop rainbows. 

Kelly’s friends over at Canary Confectionery made a cake version of me. To be honest, I was TERRIFIED, but they said it’s more scared of me than I am of it.

Did I mention I love cuddling? I like to pretend I’m too big for baby talk, but I love that shit. That’s how I get new nicknames everyday, like squishable cutieface baby bunny boy, fluffy puppycakes, or pumpkinbutt. But now I need to take a nap and dream of eating. Goodnight!

Hazel Street Eats

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Big news - I’m interrupting our regular string of feline themed-shenanigans for a visit from a dog! 

This unique contribution comes from Vegansaurus co-founder Laura Beck, her boyfriend, comic artist Jonas Madden-Connor, and features their pup, Hazel. Don’t worry, guys, Laura assures me that Hazel is vegan at home, and turns freegan on the streets. I’m not saying I approve, but I have known many folks with similar lifestyles, myself. You’re such a cheater, Hazel!

“I swear, she loves being vegan—devours her V-Dog like a maniac—but all bets are off when we hit the streets!” – Laura Beck
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This artiwork first appeared in the Comic Book Guide to the Mission, published in 2011.

Thanks, Hazel! Photo credit: Vegansaurus.com

A Cat’s Guide to Vegans, by Buhbah

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. You have no idea the amount of strings I had to pull (and toss) to get this internet sensation to  sit down and share some deep thoughts. 

Remember my face.

Guest Blogger: Buhbah
Special Friend: Gabrielle, Vegans on the Move

A Cat’s Guide to Vegans, by Buhbah.

Some might call me a “scrapper from way back,” some, more accurately, “Buhbah.” Even though I’m afraid of leaves (those fuckers are shifty!), I think I’m pretty much the most streetwise cat on the block.

Case in point, I was living with this annoying-as-all-hell dog, two snotty indoor cats (look, it doesn’t matter if I actually sleep inside all day, I want the option to go on a little walkabout), and some people who fed me the wrong food, among other crimes. I noticed when a tall one and a still-kinda-tall-but-shorter-than-the-dude-one moved in next-door, and I saw an opportunity.

Hello, humans.

Strutting through their yard looking irresistibly cute, staring in through their kitchen window as they made dinner, purring and knocking my head enjoyably against every hard surface in their house—it took maybe a month for my plan to reaching completion, and probably only another month for me to become the internet sensation that I am today.

But what does all of this have to do with vegans? Yo, vegans are the shit. Shorter one is vegan, and as such, she is wired to be obsessed with cats and there is always, always, nutritional yeast on her desk somewhere (Agnes knows what’s up!).  Shorter one makes all kinds of delicious-smelling shit—I mean, I’ll stick with my tuna—but I’ll definitely rub myself up against shorter one in the kitchen when she’s juggling tomato soup-making, stovetop mushroom smoking, tempeh marinating, and that really horrible immersion blender thing. I kinda like Cheezly. Tofurky’s aiight.

Before they installed the kitty door, I creeped around. A lot.

The two best snugglers whom have visited taller one and shorter one in recent months are vegan. The first one was this blog’s very own Jess, who is a master cat whisperer and knows I like to be under the blankets. The second is my homegirl, who is actually a Panda Cookie, the creator of my most treasured possession: the catnip carrot, that, due to my fame, is now dubbed The Buhbah. I might be addicted to catnip, but no human watching a cute fur-ball such as myself rolling around with a pirate carrot, high out of his mind, is gonna judge.

Hanging out with Jay. aka the Taller One.

Basically, vegans are god’s gift to cats. Most of them appreciate that we don’t want to eat their weird tofu and stuff, but they love us all the same. Buhbah out.

Out.

A Day in the Life of Mercutio

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. Next up, a glimpse into the life of a real party animal in SW Portland…

Guest Blogger: Mercutio
Special Friend: Stephanie, Thoughts of life and dark chocolate

4:30am – I discover my food bowl is half empty (I’m a realist) so I attempt to rectify the situation by pouncing on the humans while they sleep. Extra points if I hit belly or crotch. Mother groans and hides under the covers.
4:32am – Attempt #2 at food service. I start in with my cute little “mew!” and don’t stop until somebody gets up. Usually it’s Mother who stumbles to the kitchen and scoops kibble into my bowl, cursing.
8:00am – Humans exit the house for the day, leaving me alone with HER, my nemesis Delilah. I pretend to cuddle with her while the humans are around for the sake of peace but she’s so annoying.


12:00pm – Success! Mother has left my favorite food in the garbage, wilted kale stems and bits of leaves. She never lets me have it, she thinks I can’t control myself. In my excitement I eat too much and knock the garbage over.


12:15pm – Too many green goodness, I make a mess. How do vegans control themselves when it comes to kale? It tastes like liquid gold. Like I know what gold tastes like.
5:30pm – Humans have returned, interrupting my 8 hour nap with tickles and hugs. LEAVE ME ALONE. No, NO. I do NOT want to wear the Santa hat. It’s the middle of f@$king summer!


7:00pm – The small annoying one has knocked over ANOTHER water glass. What a slob.
11:00pm – Humans retire for the night. I go to bed with them as usual and wait until they’re just about asleep, then I attempt to leave the room by scratching at the door and making a racket. Ruin MY naps, will ya?!
11:45pm – Delilah and I are wide awake and partake in a race around the apartment and over the bed. Bonus points for belly and crotch hits.
1:00am – Finally, humans are asleep and Delilah has scurried herself to other mischief. Time to enjoy my favorite nightcap.

What a day!

Vegan Food Reviews by Agnes

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. First up, a contribution from my goddaughter, who’s on her way to becoming a wonderful little vegan food critic…

Sometimes I like to help in the kitchen.

Guest Blogger: Agnes
Special Friend: Alanna Maeve, Heartichoke Supper Club

I’m not vegan, but like many Portlanders, I do enjoy vegan foods. In
fact, I was born in the home of the proprietors of a vegan-friendly
taco truck. I’ve never actually eaten a taco, but I feel like I would
really like it.

I thought I would review a few vegan foods for you today. While I
mostly eat fish (that’s at least vegetarian, right?), these foods add
some fun to my diet. Sometimes eating them  also makes my roommate
yell at me which is fun too.

Nutritional yeast

I love this shit. I get all excited when my roommate gets it out to
make mac and cheese or whatever and try to act cute so she gives me
some. Then she curses my name when she realizes she doesn’t have
enough left over for her recipe. One thing I don’t like is how my
roommate tries to trick me with it sometimes. If food has been in my
dish for more than a few hours (which happens a lot, I really try to
eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full like I read in Eat to
Live), I’m obviously not going to eat it—it’s totally stale. I have
standards, after all. But sometimes my roommate puts nutritional yeast
on that totally stale food to get me to eat it. It worked the first
few times, but I’m smarter than that now. Now I just lick it off and
ask for new fresh food over and over and over again until she finally
relents.

Hummus

This is possibly my second favorite food. Apparently it has garlic in
it and cats aren’t supposed to eat garlic so my roommate really tries
to keep it away from me, but I really don’t care. That shit is
delicious.

Hanging out with my roommate.

Dave’s Killer Bread

Bread is the BEST FOOD. It is SO GOOD. Dave’s Killer Bread is the best
bread, but really I’ll eat anything. It’s ok if the bread is wrapped
in a plastic bag—I might not have thumbs to open the bag like a human,
but I have really sharp teeth so I can just chew right through and
help myself to a slice. My roommate yells at me and asks me, what’s
the point of buying hugely expensive grain-free food when I’m just
going to eat an entire slice of bread? But she’s a total hypocrite
because she eats carbs all the time. Like yesterday she had two pieces
of cake. SO STOP JUDGING ME!

Vegan cheese

Once I tried a bite of Follow Your Heart mozzarella. I thought it was
real cheese, because I used to have this roommate who wasn’t vegan and
gave me way better snacks then I get now. (Sometimes she gave me
chunks of fish, it was awesome! Sorry, I know this is a vegan blog.)
This stuff does not taste like real cheese. I ate it off the kitchen
table and then I threw it back up right there. Not recommended.

Sleeping off a hangover.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you find these reviews helpful! My
roommate wanted me to add that I also enjoy eating my own hair off the
carpet, old coffee grounds (apparently cats aren’t supposed to have
caffeine either, who knew?), cardboard and dirt, but I don’t know what
she’s trying to say.

The Will of the MoFo Monster

The official sign up for the fifth annual Vegan Month of Food writing began last week, and it nearly pains me to admit that I will not be updating daily, nor attempting to, on this here blog. With the break of tradition comes something new (and a tad bit easier), I’ll be one of at least three bloggers, if not more (hint, hint) updating on the Vida Vegan blog. Janessa, Michele and myself will be blogging daily about whatever crosses our vegan paths or pops into our minds. Whatever.
I definitely enjoy that this collective loophole beckons creativity and randomness, and this Vida plan is giving me the warm and fuzzies, as usual. Thematically, I was torn between the loose idea of simply trying or creating new dishes, restaurant recreations, cooking lessons from my cats, imaginary dinner dates with fictional characters, and happy hour pairings, both from my kitchen and beyond, so now I can attempt everything, in addition to what I’m deeming our un-official theme, the VVC Cocktail Lounge.
I’m currently de-stressing after some business travel and the glorious weekend that was Vegfest, but I will have something sporadic and special in store for Get Sconed! next month, in addition to obsessively reading the RSS feed and rounding up over here. Oh, yes. Oh, meow. And more on VegFest, for sure.

Our VegFest guard at the Vegan Iron Chef table knows the secret plan. Oh, grrwooreowruffooooo.